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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  September 28, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT

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captioning sponsored by cbs >> founder of spaced x.says, yes, he says a colony of humans could be living on mars in 150 years.
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>> stephen: my god. today mankind let slip the surly bonds of earth, and finally steps forth into a brief new-- wait a second! ( laughter ) we took a wrong turn someplace. everybody back in the space penis! come on! >> i"t tonight, stephen welcomes lupita nyong'o. donnie wahlberg. and john prine. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause )
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thanks so much. >> stephen: hey! ( cheers and applause ) that's very pleasant. thank you so much. thank you so much, everybody. m welcome to "the late show." i don't know about you, but i'm still detoxing from monday's debate. shake shaone off. that's, like, a two-day hangover. ( laughter ) kind of makes meantime to drink again, actually. everybody is trying to spin this thing their own way. donald trump says all the polls show he won, and the polls say hillary won.
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it's kidn of like a he said/reality said. you don't know who to believe. just in case polls are accurate about what the polls say, trump has an explanation for his soft performance. >> for 90 minutes, i watched her very carefully, and i was also holding back. i didn't want to do anything to embarrass her. >> stephen: yes. yes. and it's true. he did nothing to embarrass her. ( laughter ) ( applause ) he's honest. he's very honest. very honest. honest. honest to a fault. trump's always acting like such a gentleman. he holds doors for women, gives them a seat on the bus, does no debate preparation. ( laughter ) you might call it the addled
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trump calls it chivalry. and one of the things that especially did not embarrass secretary clinton on monday is her charge that donald trump says abusive things about women, including one former miss universe. >> and one of the worst things he said was about a woman in a beauty contest. he loves beauty contests, supporting them and hanging and he called this woman "miss piggy." then he called her "miss housekeeping," because she was latina. >> stephen: wow. ( booing ). >> jon: that ain't cool, man. >> stephen: that is one of the top 100 most degrading things i've heard about beauty pageant. the pageant winner secretary clinton was talking about was 1996 miss universe alicia machado, who trump said gained a lot of weight after the pageant:
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pounds, and she went up to 160 or 170. so this is someone who likes to eat. >> stephen: now, these comments could really hurt trump with the small special-interest group of americans who gain weight. ( cheers and applause ) they're powerful. they're powerful, powerful. basically, everybody buticla ripa. ( laughter ) so trump clarified his remarks yesterday. >> she gained a massive amount real problem. >> stephen: see? it wasn't fat shaming, because she was fat. ( laughter ) all right? it's all part of trump's new campaign slogan, "trump 2016: seriously, ladies, you could lose a few pounds." and that kind of brutal honesty that kind of brutal honesty takes courage because trump weighs 236 pounds, which, at his
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"technically obese," by the way, also the world's saddest fetish magazine. ( laughter ) speaking of large things, there's big news from outer space. yesterday, elon musk, visionary billionaire and guy who's one lab accident away from being a supervillain, laid out his plan to send people to mars. i just want to say, god bless you, elon musk. you are fulfilling the science fiction dreams of my childhood! this is the future i was promised. now, please, don't forget the robot dog in a space suit that knows kung fu and the cute girl and the cute girl next door who comes on the rocket with me. musk says the first flights could leave as soon as 2022, so halfway through mike pence's second term because you know trump is stepping down on day three.
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( applause ) inauguration. put up his name. and then-- now, unfortunately, if you're interested in this, tickets are going to be a little pricy, with the current projected cost being upon $10 billion per person. finally, a plan to shoot billionaires into space. ( cheers and applause ) i believe-- i believe we have gotten a photo of the project managers. yeah, there you go. there you go. >> jon: i like that. i like that. >> stephen: the question is why would it be $10 billion. 10 billion. where have i heard that number before? wait a second, how much money does donald trump say he has?
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( applause ) elon musk upons donald trump off the planet! ( cheers and applause ) i'll tell you what-- if donald won't pony up, i say we pass around the hat. maybe this one. "make mars great again." ? ? ? ( applause ) wouldn't you know it-- made on venus. ( laughter ) oh, okay, this is interesting. speaking of the future-- you guys interested in the future? it's where we're all going to live eventually. >> jon: that's right. >> stephen: there's interesting news out of the london sperm bank, or as they call it "the royal figgy pudding depository."
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apparently, in keeping with the ever-advancing digital age, the organization just released a tinder-esque mobile app that lets women filter potential sperm donors based on traits like ethnicity, occupation, personality type, eye color, and more. of course, to us americans, a sperm donor app seems unnecessary, because we have craigslist, where you can find a sperm donor and buy the the futone-- is it really worth is it really worth finishing this joke? and buy the futon he donated it on. you're welcome! not sure if that was worth-- really backed the truck down the highway to get that joke. ( laughter ) i'm not the only one with questions about this app. one critic said, "this is reproduction via the mobile phone. it's digital dads. choose daddy. this is the ultimate denigration
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and it's true, folks. why, i remember a simpler time when people didn't rely on these new-fangled sperm donorin' apps. back then, women like anne marie timms would head over to the ole ice cream shoppe on sundays after church, walk up to mr. henderson drinking his root beer float, and say, "why, mr. henderson, you have blue eyes, good bone structure, and no visible signs of genetic disorders. may i trouble you for a cuppa sperm?" ( applause ) mr. robinson would always oblige. i'll be darned if i didn't see him there every day after church on sunday and monday and tuesday. he was there most of the time. ol' mister henderson sure did like working the ice cream churn, shall we say. and if he were here today, i believe he'd say, "stephen colbert, swiping left and right
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it's how you make sperm donations. ( laughter ) now would you please get me another of them root beer floats. i have to rehydrate in a big way. now say hello to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. ? ? ? ( applause ) >> stephen: ( cheers and applause ) that is a good look. that is a very appealing look. hello! welcome to the show. i'll tell what you, folks, are there any fans of big banks tonight? ( no response ) all right. then this is the story for you. earlier this month, the only
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fargo, was hit with a $185 million fine for defrauding their own customers. well, the $185 million minus a $3 a.t.m. fee. and they defrauded their customers for kind of a funny reason: money. the bigwigs at wells fargo wanted the bigwigs on wall street to think that wells fargo was growing, so the wells fargo bosses pressured their employees to sell their organs for cash. just-- i'm just it's way worse. under pressure from their bosses, wells fargo employees opened up a million and a half bank account and and a half million credit cards in customers' names, without ever even telling the customers. that's right-- not even a form letter that said "congratulations, you are pre-approved to get totally screwed!"
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fargo c.e.o. and stock picture of a banker, john stumpf. old stumpf here he stepped up and took personal responsibility by firing 5,300 low-level employees he blamed for the problem. it takes true leadership to stand up and say "the buck stops 5,300 other places." ( laughter ) the scheme ripped off customers about $2.4 million and ruined thousands of credit ratings, but it made wells fargo stock go up by $30 a share, meaning stumpf personally earned about $200 million. i think i speak for a lot of people when i say, "go stumpf yourself." ( cheers and applause ) so-- stumpf. so last week, massachussetts senator and alternate universe
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warren, dragged strumpf in front of the senate and tore him a new stumpf-hole. >> since this massive years-long scam came to light, you have said repeatedly, "i am accountable." but what have you actually done to hold yourself accountable? have you resigned as c.e.o. or chairman of wells fargo? >> the board i serve on-- >> have you resigned? >> no, i have not. >> have you returned one nickel of the millions of dollars you were paid while this scam has going on? >> the board will take care of-- >> have you returned one nickel of the money you earned while this scam was going on? >> and the board will do-- >> i will take that as a no, then. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: she will-- yes. she will take that as a no, and place it in the
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( cheers and applause ) i'm sorry, do continue. >> other big banks averaged fewer than three accounts per customer, but you set the target at eight accounts. every customer of wells should have eight accounts with the bank. and that's not because you ran average customer needed eight banking accounts. it is because-- quote-- eight rhymes with great. >> stephen: "eight rhymes with great." i gotta say, that makes him sound like something that rhymes with a real grassbole. ( laughter ) it's-- it's ( bleep ).
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aaagghh! and she's right! in the wells fargo annual report, he not only said that eight rhymed with great. he added that "perhaps our new cheer should be, 'let's go again, for ten'." nice rhymes, strumpf. i can't wait for your children's book: "one fish, two fish, fraudulent revenue fish," by the author of "the taking tree." now, this is the sort of story that could give multinational banks a bad name. so yesterday, wells fargo announced that strumpf would not be paid a salary during the bank's investigation and that they would be getting $41 million in stock back from stumpf. plus, carrie tolstedt, the senior executive in charge of the retail division, had $19 million in compensation taken back from her and is out of the company, dramatically cutting short a career that would have lasted all the way until her scheduled retirement this year. poor thing. poor thing.
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fraud. ( laughter ) but in case you're worried about either of these people, please, do not fret. tolstedt could walk away from wells fargo with a total of $77 million and stumpf with $200 million in cash ( booing ) that's how you teach that white- collar crime does not pay. it's like when cops catch your house and say, "put down that tv, buddy! now here's $200 million dollars." we'll be right back with an important message for white people. stick around. ? ? ? ( applause ) it's here. the amazing new iphone everyone's excited about. and t-mobile is the best place to get it.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back to the show. ( cheers and applause ) good to see you. that was beautiful. give it up one more time for jon batiste and stay human, everybody. amazing. ( cheers and applause ) eddie, jon, that was incredible what you guys were playing just now. that was beautiful. jon, listen, i am not surprised that the band sounds good and you're a gifted musician. you guys are jazz masters over there. >> jon: yes, indeed. >> stephen: one thing i did not know is how deeply you care about this country and how much you do to try to heal-- what do you call it, try to heal-- >> jon: you have to heal the racial divide. >> stephen: you have to heal racial divide, exactly. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: what i didn't know-- i just found out today-- you have created a public
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addresses the important misunderstandings between black people and white people. >> jon: yeah, it's almost voting season, and i wanted to say something because the tensions are high right now. >> stephen: right, right, right. you created a p.s.a., that explains a black point of view to white people and if it's okay i'd like to show it right now. >> jon: yes. >> hey, everybody, i'm jon batiste. and normally i speak through music. i can even do tongue twisters. but some iss important, i want to talk about them with my throat piano. you see, here in america, it can be difficult to talk about race. there are a number of reasons why, but mostly, it's slavery. sometimes, you just upon to climb on the roof and say, "hey, white people!" >> sometimes white people will say anything to avoid calling someone racist. like "racially tinged."
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mean? did i put on some racist makeup before i left the house? >> you know what is annoying, how people assume all plaque people know each other. honestly, i don't get it. in your mind, what's going on? do you think we meet at oprah's house once a month and discuss black people stuff? you're wrong! it's twice a month! for the the black people. so, you're right. ( laughter ) >> what do people mean say, "tall, dark, and handsome?" which part is dark exactly? >> you know, because of my scark i'm always type cast as some sort of thug or something, and because i'm a black man in america. but i contan a multitude of things. i can do a british accent in the theater with the best of them. i can can do "hamlet."
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( laughter ) >> so, i went to to the golf course the other day and this white dude mistook me for the caddy and i said i'm going to call will smith and ask how rich do i have to be for people not to mistake me as a caddy? >> hey, white people, please stopal this is new york city. everywhere is not your kitchen. okay. these streets are dirty. i don't even know if it's safe to walk around with shoes on, to be honest! they are nasty. and quit kissing your dogs in the mouth! ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> hey, white people. we did it. i mean, we had a good run. that was a pretty solid run for
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gayle king are telling you. but i'm telling you what they're not telling you, that we didn't have a good run. hey, white people, right? wow. >> jon: hey, white people. i'm really glad you like jazz, and i love it when you come up to me and tell me that. but that doesn't meanip to hear you scat. that is bibly-do-op bad idea. unless you like chet baker or somebody. then it's cool. ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: thank you, jon. welcome back, everybody. ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is an oscar-winning actress you know from "12 years a slave," "the force awakens and "the jungle book." she now stars in "queen of katwe." >> i ask the children to come with us and i will find a way for them to enter school. >> you speako >> let them come. and i will put them in private classes with the best teachers. please, madam. >> i am allowing them, if you do not keep your promise,ul never see my children again. >> stephen: please welcome, lupita nyong'o!
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is there nice to see you again. >> good to see you. >> stephen: you were on this time last year. >> i was. >> stephen: and we did some funny walks together. >> stephen: we did. >> stephen: "queen of katwe" is an incredibly beautiful movie, and your performance is wonderful. my favorite far. >> thank you. >> stephen: before we get into talking about that movie you have another video project which i have to show everybody who hasn't seen it. you recorded something in the back of your car. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: just released it yesterday? >> i think it was two days ago. >> stephen: two days ago under the name "trouble maker," and jimmy, let's give people a taste of her new career. ? speak four languages doing deals in spanish ? him them with my autograph
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? shout out to the villagers, hit 3 million yeah, yeah, hu, yeah ? >> stephen: so you got a fall-back career. nicely done. >> thank you. >> stephen: nicely done. ( cheers and applause ) so you've got a fallback career. is jay z calling. >> my phone line is open. i'll take the call. >> stephen: don't tell these why trouble maker? >> my friend common christmasined me trouble maker. i visited him in his stiewd quo once, and i was threatening to drop a beat, drop somics or something. and he said, "oh, oh, trouble maker, "and it stuck since. >> stephen: that's the best ceend of trouble. speaking of you getting in trouble, yesterday, or this past weekend, you within to the opening of the national museum
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>> i did. >> stephen: okay, now i understand you were not invited. you just showed up. >> no, correction, correction. i was invited, and i declined because i thought i was going to have "queen of katwe" press in new york. and so the day before we were doing a q & a around 9:00 of "queen of katwe." and today was like i'm on my way to tim kaine at 10 spp and i said,"what's happening in d.c.?" he said, "the museum is opening. i said, "we don't have press in new york? i'm definitely coming." in 45 manslaughter we got my makeup artist in the car. we got clothes to wear, and we karl rove to d.c. so what i could be there at 8:00 in morning. >> stephen: see, that's a real star. that's a real star. ( cheers and applause ) because-- ( applause ) that's the difference between you and me is because you're a real star. while i'm on tv i rarely get made up to go to the museum. >> well, when the president is
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a little powder. >> stephen: a little bit. ( laughter ) how was the museum, by the way? i'd love to go down. >> it was incredible, it was incredible. i mean, it was so well thought out. and it's so inspiring. they've got so many cool things like nat turner's bible, harriet tubman's scarf, emmet tills' original casket. it is truly the heads of american history and culture. for me it was so amazing to be there because whennive years a slave" and looking for experiences to put myself through, there was no definitive place for african american history and culture and now we have this. it's huge. it's on the mall. it's full of respect for this history. and i think it's really healing for african americans to have this place to share their history withern that comes to visit america and americans themselves. >> stephen: and i understand that your wardrobe-- ( applause )
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as patsy is in the museum. >> yes, oh, my goodness, how could i forget? they have a film and theater area, and patsy's dress is there. and there's a photo of me and our characters as well. it made me weep to think that i was somehow included. >> stephen: i'll tell you what made me weep is "queen of katwe." it's a beautiful story-- a true story. of a young woman named fiona. what was h >> futeses. >> stephen: who lives in the uganda and learns chess and can changes her life and those around her. >> and now mine. >> stephen: it's a disney movie, but it doesn't shy away from the harsh conditions. i mean, it doesn't seem sanitized. >> no. >> stephen: it doesn't sanitize the harsh conditions these people live in. where did you shoot this? where were you when you actually were in these slums?
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it's the biggest and poorest column in compala. we shot some there but also outside of johannesburg. we shooting it in the place these things transpired. it's a very recent story. the girl that it's about is only twen now. so we were really where these things happened, which was so great. it was such a source of inspiration for us. because what you find in these poverty. they do not lack dignity. and there's life going on. it's vibrant. you know, people are working through their struggle. and so much-- so much so, that fiona discovers chess, and then uses that chess to pull her family out of poverty. and so it's really uplifting, heartwarming, and often funny
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heartbreak and heartwarming and i'm not going to give away the ending but the ending is hopeful and beautiful and she's a chess master now. >> yes, she is. she very much is. her future is still very bright and yet to be written, so she's still working on getting to be that grandmaster. >> stephen: one thing i wanted to ask you, you were born in mexico but raised in kenya, i understand. americans look at, when we say, "oh, the spanish-speaking areas." we don't differentiate. we think africa, ugawnd akenya. what is the vision from uganda from kenya and the vision of kenya from uganda. >> we're both in east africa and we have a lot in common when it comes to climate. you know how in new york sometimes there are all sorts of prejudices against new jersey, you know? >> stephen: yeah, a little bit. ( laughter ) which one's new jersey?
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uganda-- uganda-- >> no, no, it is definitely not new jersey. kenya, one of the things my mom keeps saying is in ugawnd athey have cullure where you kneel to show respect, and the kenyan men really like that. and my mom is always saying how the ugawndans are stealing all the kenyan men. >> stephen: it's a beautiful movie. thank you for making it and thank you for being here. >> thank you. in theaters nationwide this friday. lupita nyong'o, everybody! we'll be right back with donnie wahlberg. ? ? ? ( applause ) ? if your heartburn medication's not doing its job... the food you eat during the day... music: loud mariachi band can also haunt you at night. so try nexium 24hr. just one pill each day... shuts down your stomach's active...
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everybody. my next guest is a pop star, burger mogul, and one of the "blue bloods" here on cbs. please welcome donnie wahlberg! ? ? ? ( applause ) >> stephen: you look nice. >> yeah, i look-- we look good >> stephen: we kind of do. >> we do. >> stephen: hey, let me ask you a question, tough guy, you're from boston. >> i am. born and raised. >> stephen: are bostonians actually tough or do they just sound tough? do you cultivate it? >> it's a delegate thing. it's delegate to talk about bostonians on tv unless it's in a completely flattering light. >> stephen: what will happen?
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i go home and my mother will grab my ear and say, "why did you say that about your mothers and all your brothering." it's a very boston thing. >> stephen: it is. >> but like most people if you talk loud and obnoxiously -- >> you get nominated for the republican party. >> you could do that. you can confidential do that. ( cheers and applause ) and most people that do that, like said fellow, are usually not as tough as they pretend to be. >> stephen: but are you tough? are you actually >> you know, i come from a family of tough guys. but the toughest of all is my mom. >> stephen: she had to be. how many kids? >> nine. >> stephen: nine kids. >> how many do you have. >> stephen: 11. it's not a contest, but my mom won. not a contest. she's new york. >> but my mom had irish twins twice. >> stephen: where do you fall in the family? >> i'm the the eighth of nine. >> stephen: who's the baby? >> mark. >> stephen: such a baby! >> he is a baby! >> stephen: they get away with
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then. he get away with everything now! baby. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. you guys still doing wahl burgers? >> we opened about 15 of them now and we have deals to open, gosh, i think 200 in the next four, five years. >> stephen: why continue to do all this hard work of acting? ( applause ) acting-- acting is hard work, man. why not just kick back and eat burgers. >> it's not hard work. >> stephen: it's not hard work. >> actors-- people who become hard they work. my dad was a bartender, truck driver, bus driver, when he wasn't laid off from being a truck driver. my mom worked night shifts in a hospital and bank, cleaning up and month the floors. we grew up on food stamps. i'm an actor and i do reality shows. this is what i worked for my whole life, and i would complain about it i promise you my dad would come down from heaven and kick me in the ass. this is not hard work ( applause ).
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else. this also does not look like hard work? >> oh, boy. >> stephen: >> stephen: you do a cruise-- you do new kids cruise. >> new kids on the block. we do a cruise. >> stephen: this is a picture of you-- that's you, right? >> that's me! >> stephen: this is a picture of you working really hard on cruise. can we show-- can you get in a little closer? that's you. it's hard to make hip ow among all those 38-year-old women? ( laughter ) grabbing on to you. >> i'd say-- i'd say-- there are-- there are 30 to 38. >> stephen: 30 to 38-year-old women. >> yeah. >> stephen: they look like they're about to tear you limb from limb. is that scary at all to jump into a pile of women like that? >> two things, "a," you're never too old to crowd surf. you should try it one night. it's really fun. >> jon: i did it. >> yeah. "b" we have the best fans. my fans from new kids on the block back in the days who were
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in their 30s stuck by me and my band mates. we can can madison square garden and boston garden and are under successful, at least spiritually now, with our fans and our relationship with the fans than all those years ago. >> stephen: what's spiritual success? >> we appreciate it more. when you're young and, you know, you are thrust into the spotlight, you're not really prepared for it. nobody's prepared for it. a kid like justin bieber, he had no idea what he's getting into. you want this thing and you get to deal with the pressures, especially if you come from a dysfunctional irish catholic family with nine kits and a schlitz-drinking bad. you can lose your way, and you're 20 and everyone will turn on a light switch for you. you don't have to book your own plane ticket. when we disbanded in 1994, after a successful run, i had never booked a ticket.
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vacation for myself. i was on the "forbes" list with oprah and madonna and didn't know how to go grocery shopping-- not literally. but i had to learn how to be a real human being and i did. >> stephen: do you prefer being a real human being? ( laughter ) can which do you prefer? you have been not a human being and a human being. which is better? >> i prefer to do my own shopping, to do my own stuff, and to take care and raise my own kids myself and to not have a bunch of handlers do stuff for me. ( applause ). >> stephen: you said-- good hit now, you said you're never too old to crowd surf. >> right. >> stephen: do you want to give it a shot? ( cheers and applause ) why not. come on. before we go, "blue bloods" airs fridays at 10:00 on cbs. donnie wahlberg, everybody! we'll be right back with a performance by john prine.
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the ultimate surprise. for your eyes. new olay eyes ultimate eye cream. for instant results of the number one prestige eye cream, without paying twice the price. show your amazement, not your age.
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? ? listerine? kills 99% of bad breath germs. this is 100% useful for a 100% fresh mouth. just ask listerine? users. the very people we studied in the study of bold. people who are statistically more likely to stand up to a bully. do a yoga handstand. and be in a magician's act. listerine? kills 99% of bad breath germs so you can feel 100% in life. bring out the bold?.
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a trip of a lifetime. you deserve more... more savory... sfx: people oohing and ahhing more sweet... sfx: people gasping in excitement more lovin'. sfx: people clapping and cheering. now get more choices on mcdonald's all day breakfast menu. ? i had frequent heartburn, but...my doctor recommended prilosec otc 7 years ago, 5 years ago, last week. just 1 pill each morning. 24 hours and zero heartburn, it's been the number 1 doctor recommended brand for 10 use as directed ? oh ? ? with a little bit of uh uh, and a little bit of ?
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>> stephen: here performing, "i'm telling you," from his new album "for better, or worse," please welcome john prine, with holly williams! ( cheers and applause ) ? i'm telling you you'd better change your ways ? i'm tired of being lonely night and day ? while around the town you chase ? there'll be someone in your place ? if you don't stop your cheating ? i'm telling you ? i'm getting wise so honey take a tip from me ? i am not the foolish soul
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? if you think you're doing me wrong you come home and i'll be gone you better straighten out i'm telling you. ? the road is long that never takes a turn ? and the heart is hard that has no chance to yearn ? oh, i love you much too much you big old such-and-such ? now you better straighten out i'm telling you ? you better straighten out
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i had frequent heartburn, but...my doctor recommended prilosec otc 7 years ago, 5 years ago, last week. just 1 pill each morning. 24 hours and zero heartburn, it's been the number 1 doctor recommended brand for 10 straight years, and it's still recommended today. use as directed when you're close to the people you love, does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment? if you have moderate to severe psoriasis, you can embrace the chance of completely clear skin with taltz. taltz is proven to give you a chance at completely clear skin. with taltz, up to 90% of patients had a significant improvement of their psoriasis plaques. in fact, 4 out of 10 even achieved completely clear skin. do not use if you are allergic to taltz.
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your risk of infections and lower your ability to fight them. tell your doctor if you are being treated for an infection or have symptoms. or if you have received a vaccine or plan to. inflammatory bowel disease can happen with taltz. including worsening of symptoms. serious allergic reactions can occur. now's your chance at completely clear skin. just ask your doctor about taltz. >> stephen: that's it for "the late show," everybody! tune in tomorrow when my guests will be morgan freeman, judith light, and musical guest, "jimmy eat world." now stick around for james corden and his guests, anjelica huston and wilmer valderrama. good night!
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captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ? are you ready to have some fun ? feel the love tonight ? is it's going to be all right. ? the "late, late show."

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